“Love is not the strongest emotion. Grief by far wins the battle”
C.G. Thomas
August 17th, 2019 will forever be etched in my memory as the day that changed the course of my family. My coco colored baby ceased to exist in the earthly realm. Kenyada, a beautiful person inside and out… died. It still feels surreal and speaking those words seems sinful. I’ve talked about it and written about it but only from a place of healing for others, never have I been honest about how I am coping.
For some reason I’ve felt the need to comfort everyone else because after all, I am naturally a nurturing person. I want everyone and everything to be well; this has always been my role. The downside of seeing about others is that you find yourself in need at the most inopportune time with no clue of what to do because I AM NOT READY!
How do you prepare for the loss of a child? How do you overcome the pain that tugs at your spirit daily? Yes, yes, I know he was only on loan to me but I was not ready to let him go. I’ve grown into the habit of repeatedly saying “I’m ok” or “all is well” when asked but guess what I am not ok because I was not ready!
It is more than just the loss of Kenyada, it was the loss of grandchildren that will never be. The loss of buying flowers for his wedding. Never being able to see that smile or hear him call me “Ma Dukes”. I will never get to see the man that he was to become or share in the success that will never be.
This pain is silent, constant, and ever present. It creeps in on a happy day to remind you that something is missing. It is a haunting thought that plays over and over like a reel in your mind. This pain, others will never understand. It is indescribable.
How do you comfort someone that has suffered so great a loss? You can’t. We don’t want comforting words or pats on the back. We don’t want you to ask if we are ok because we will never be ok. I’m not good at sharing what I need. Verbalizing my feelings is not my strong suit but I’m going to give it a shot…
Don’t ask if I’m ok
Stop asking me if I’m ok because I will never be ok. Anyone that knows me should already be aware that my sons are my entire world and losing one of them has crushed my spirit. The answer will always be NO.
Just be there
Sometimes I just need for someone to be there; we don’t have to talk and I might cry. Just be there to hand me a piece of Kleenex and a glass of crown and coke (laugh please). Don’t tell me what the word says because I already know. I know he was only on loan to me and I know to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. I know, I know…. But that isn’t what I want to hear because it does not ease the pain. No this does not make me a heathen or sinner it just means I am human and I miss my son dearly. Just be there.
Put your feelings aside
Listen at any given time I may have more than 100 unanswered text messages and or missed calls. Please don’t take it personal because there are days that I struggle to get up and about so I surely don’t want to talk. If you are in my circle you already know that I am private and I struggle with being needy. Don’t take my silence personal because it is not geared towards you. Lastly if I Have to explain that to you should you really be in my circle? I’m going to let you answer that.
I always thought love was the strongest emotion but I was very wrong. Love is a choice and often times based on reciprocation but grief is not a choice. Grief is an ever present companion that can ruin the happiest of moments. I was not ready to say goodbye to my beautiful son and no, I am not ok.
This is your view inside the mind of Sugar Clark.
BE Blessed!
