Overcompensating: Taking Back Your Power and Creating Healthy Boundaries

“An apology coupled with positive changed behavior is sufficient… all that other stuff is unnecessary.”

C.G. Thomas

Overcompensating: the taking of excessive measures in attempting to correct or make amends for an error, weakness, or problem. (Oxford Dictionary) 

Let me put that in layman’s terms… You made a mistake, more than likely, unintentional and although you apologized and may have even changed said behavior, you allow guilt to force you to keep apologizing and showering the affected person with acts of extreme kindness and or gifts. Some of us turn a blinded eye to wrongdoing as a way to pacify a previous wrong that may have been committed. 

We have all been guilty of overcompensating at some point in our lives. It is human nature to want to make things right when we have done wrong. The problem lies in taking it too far. When we go overboard in an attempt to make up for a past error, we create unhealthy boundaries. There are two categories that I have found to be the most common when it comes to overcompensating. 

The first is parents who overcompensate with their children due to feelings of guilt from being absent, neglectful or lacking the financial stability to give them the things they wanted. These parents feel the need to make up for the lost time by showering their children with gifts, attention, and oftentimes leniency. The problem is, that this type of behavior breeds spoiled children who lack boundaries and we know that these children grow into mollycoddled adults. 

“Parents, nothing is cute about the kid that refuses to listen because you cannot discipline them.”

The second area is romantic relationships. When we have low self-esteem, we often allow others to take advantage of us. We put their needs above our own which is unhealthy and fosters an imbalanced partnership. 

Let’s explore the pitfalls that come with overcompensating in these two areas of our lives. 

Parenting 

I’m a boy mom and I understand the desire to provide for and at times shower your children with everything they desire. Some of my happiest memories of my children were around seeing them smile when they received some form of wanted compensation. However, I was also that parent who would not give in to every temper tantrum, allow them to stay up later than their bedtimes, or make excuses for their bad behavior. 

Nothing get’s my goat more than a little snot screaming and flailing all over the supermarket because they were told no for the umpteenth time about the candy bar they wanted. I’ve always wanted to snatch the parent by the collar and tell them to MAN UP and take control of the child’s behavior. Parents, nothing is cute about the kid that refuses to listen because you cannot discipline them. 

What about the lazy adult that guilts their aging parents for not having the finances to give them the childhood they wanted? The one that throws a tantrum and threatens to never speak to them again if they don’t give in? Then there’s the new generation of kids that hold past abuse and or neglect over their parent’s heads, constantly throwing it in their faces as a method of control? You can’t change the past however you don’t deserve a life of punishment for what you didn’t or couldn’t give your children. GRACE, give yourself some grace especially if you have made positive changes and attempts to right past wrongs. As difficult as it may be you need to take back your power and establish healthy boundaries. 

Romantic Relationships

Romantic relationships are another area where people tend to overdo a good thing. For example, let’s say you’re in a relationship with someone who is constantly cheating on you. You may try to overcompensate for fear of losing your partner. We think that by making up for our “flaws” or mistakes, we can keep someone’s interest. This is far from the truth. In reality, this type of behavior is unhealthy and does more harm than good. 

Listen, no one wants to be alone and having a partner that not only cares for you but chooses you daily is something to be desired! Talk about relationship goals…

If you find yourself overcompensating in your relationships, it may be time to take a step back and reassess your position in their life. I have been here a few times and I can assure you that if you continue to give, those on the receiving end will continue to take. 

Look mistakes come a dime a dozen however grace is free to all. Stop allowing the ghosts of your past to dictate how you live your life today. Therapy, therapy, therapy… Healthy boundaries should be the end goal.

So tell me, have you found yourself overcompensating in any areas of your life? I would love to hear from you in the comments below. As always, I hope you’ve enjoyed your view inside the mind of Sugar Clark!

Be Blessed!