Your offense does not mean I did something wrong.
C. G. Thomas
“Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry”, I thought to myself as I faced my boss. Here I am, yet again sitting in a meeting sponsored by Human Resources, fighting the latest allegation. I’m on the defensive and fervently trying to explain my position. Hot tears are falling, and I feel anger and shame. The anger I feel is a natural response to feeling ambushed, however, the overwhelming shame I feel should not be a part of this equation. I’m ashamed because I’ve allowed the negative rhetoric to stand out front and center and I have lost control of the conversation.
I’m a black woman working in corporate America and my story is not unlike many others. We went in hale and hearty, expecting an inclusive and equitable workplace just to experience the opposite. Oppression, accusations, blackballing, and microaggressions. I’m not discounting the offenses that others face in the workplace, I am highlighting the fact that studies show that black women are the most underrepresented group in corporate America. Furthermore, we are the least likely to be promoted but the first to receive blame in any workplace conflict.
We often must battle how our outward appearance impacts others. I can recall being told that I am demonstrative and intimidating to those of a weaker stature. Another one that I’ve heard is “You are tall and that can be scary to others”, or “You have a commanding presence and when you walk in a room it can be intimidating”. Those darts have grown deep roots that I have yet to weed out and I find that I; Failed to address overt/covert racism for fear of being shunned or retaliation, scan the faces of others in meetings, sitting quietly so I go unnoticed, and I no longer wear heels to work to not be the tallest person in the room.
I become a shadow, overcompensate, and placate to fit in; hiding my true self as to not offend others. How do we stand tall and confident when faced with workplace adversity? Let’s discuss some of the steps I am taking to stop hiding in plain sight.
Therapy: seeking effective tools to help manage corporate fears
When things dustup my first instinct is to run and hide. I recently resumed therapy sessions with the hopes of establishing skills to assist with coping. I would encourage anyone who is stuck in the corporate loop of frustration to seek therapy. It is also helpful to have an accountability partner, someone to help keep you encouraged and talking about your experiences instead of tucking them away.
Stop second guessing what you know to be true
Society has grown leaps and bounds in diversity and inclusion however there is still a need for reform. African Americans still fall in the lowest percentile of success in the corporate platform. We also face overt and covert struggles which can impact our ability to advance in our career. We are frequently passed up for promotion opportunities because of a misunderstanding of how we communicate. Whether that is through work related conversations or nonverbal cues, we often feel that our voices are disregarded or unheard altogether.
Additionally, we fear identifying racism in the workplace due to the stigma that is attached. It carries with it a sense of shame and embarrassment, which can prevent people from speaking out against it. Speaking up can mean being labeled overly sensitive or accused of making assumptions and painting problems as racially motivated when they are not. With stigma and fear in place, mistreatment based on skin color becomes harder to confront; this means that too often we are taunted with the thought that it is “because I am black” without getting a chance to prove otherwise. As a result, identifying and ending racism in general requires an honest effort to remove stigma and replace it with an understanding that sometimes the reason for mistreatment is unfortunately because of race or ethnicity. Once you can identify the true issue, you can formulate a plan to deal with it.
You are who you are
We all differ regarding our outward appearance, communication styles, and the way we process information. Unfortunately, this often leads to offense when we diverge from what is considered “normal” by the status quo. I know this feeling; I have been told that my presence can seem intimidating even if I enter a room with a pleasant smile on my face. That being said, it doesn’t mean I should compromise my unique identity and change to please others who are uncomfortable with me as I am. The onus is on them, and they should do the work to understand why they feel offense to something that can’t be changed. Either way, be who you are wonderfully made to be. PUT YOUR DAMN HEELS BACK ON!
How do we get through the lingering battle of racism? Together, by understanding that it still exists, and supporting one another. You are not crazy; it is exactly what you think it is but don’t stay there. Seek out tools to help you effectively overcome and continue to prosper. I hope you have enjoyed your view inside the mind of Sugar Clark.
Be Blessed!
