It was never about what they thought, it has always been about what you thought…
C.G. Thomas
FRUSTRATED was an understatement… actually, the way I felt in that moment could be likened to an animal guarding food. I thought “why do I always have to prove myself?” this is asinine. I found myself pacing the floor and breathing deeply. I needed someone to stroke my ego so, I contacted my sister and yelled in her ear for a little while. The funny thing is, all the frustration, anger, and pacing the floor was simply because I did not feel that I was enough, I did not feel worthy. I was placing my value in the hands of others. I just wanted to be accepted so I spent an entire afternoon unhappy.
Certainly this is not my story alone. I’m sure we all experience this at some point in our lives. I have a question… why do we give the opinions of other so much credence? I thought back to the “how” and “what” of the origination of the need to be accepted and realized it had been a character flaw that I’d carried for the better part of my life. When I say “better part” I mean as far back as elementary school. Let me give you a bit of my history, after all, history has context.
Elementary school was HORRIBLE for me. I was not popular, and my family’s economic status did not afford me the option to buy my way into the “in” crowd. Children can be cruel… parents please teach your children to be kind. Some of you are raising or raised HELLIONS that torment everyone in their path. The pain caused by your little demons are still open and oozing with pain for some. Anywho… that is a discussion for another day… Being the butt of jokes, being looked over, and teased created an anxiety that caused me to act with aggression and kept me in a state of displeasure.
Middle and high school was a bit different but still a struggle. The acceptance changed from wanting to be popular to wanting the attention of boys. When you have the stigma of not being the prettiest or most fashionable trailing you from school to school you generally lack confidence. This account of my childhood may seem petty to some (you were probably the aggressor) but for me it created a daily struggle and because I was not equipped with the tools needed to overcome, the desire to be accepted became a way of life and a disgruntled attitude was my prize.
The desire to be chosen latched on and drove me to make horrible friends and poor relationship choices well into adulthood. Whew, talk about a draining experience. I needed help because I had to learn that my worth was not dependent on another person’s opinion of me. It took years and a lot of counseling but…..
Fast forward… I am a strong, smart, and savvy woman and although there are times that I battle with the need to be accepted I don’t allow it to affect my happiness. I am who I am, and the opinion of others will never again dim my light. Oh and seriously, I am BEAUTIFUL, DAMN NEAR REGAL… I’m just saying…
Listen, everyone will not like you, everyone won’t approve of what you look like and or your actions but guess what… you have to keep moving. Love on the people that love on you and bring all the naysayers up to your level. Lastly, childhood trauma is a very real thing, please teach your children the art of diversity and inclusion so they don’t become grown energy snatchers.
I hope you have enjoyed your view inside the mind of Sugar Clark.
